0 Liked

“Wait, what?” Eleven examples of why having cancer is super weird

You guys, my life is WEIRD! Like…super strange. Let me give you some examples.

1. Last week I calmly logged into Etsy and purchased some nice caps and head wraps and about 10 zillion dangly earrings in preparation for the bohemian gypsy hipster look I plan to rock when I go bald in the next month or so. Never thought I’d say the words “when I go bald.”

2. I currently have a very large box (picture a large cooler) sitting on my dining room table filled with syringes and vials for me to inject into myself every evening so Andrew and I can conceive like 15 frozen space babies. (I don’t know why I feel the need to call them space babies but something about all the science involved in freezing embryos makes me feel like they belong in space…also if you haven’t been paying attention I’m not making space babies because it sounds super cool but because chemo can sometimes make young people lose their fertility so it’s my back up “still make a baby someday” plan).

3. I’m currently walking around the house with this year’s latest fashion that I am calling “boobs on ice.” It consists of a fetching CVS ice pack wrapped tightly around the bosom to numb the pain of the biopsy I had earlier today. It was the second time in two weeks that someone has shoved a giant (like seriously 10 inches long) needle in there and cut tissue out. Actually it’s technically the 9th time since the first time they took 4 samples and the second time they took 5. And while I’m on the topic the phrases “minimally invasive” and “you might feel some pressure” are complete and utter lies which I will never believe again. Unless “some pressure” is commonly used to describe intense burning, aching, stabbing pain that lasts for days and requires lots of pain meds and constant ice then they are full of crap.

4. I got a hair cut yesterday and the receptionist at the Breast Health Center at Georgetown was the first one to notice. I am seriously contemplating baking something for the staff there. They are all my new besties.

5. One of the highlights of next week is that I’ll have a “mediport” implanted into my chest, which in my opinion definitely makes me part Borg (Dear Cancer, Resistance is futile). It will be used to inject chemo drugs right into my jugular. Apparently these are considered “god-sends” in the chemo communities and I am super psyched about it, but since when do I get excited about things getting implanted into my jugular? Also, I am going to start referring to myself as Eight of Nine. If you get that joke you’re a nerd and I love you.

6. Speaking about implants, I had my first conversation with my breast surgeon yesterday about fake boobs or “reconstruction” as it is more politely referred to in the breast cancer world. I totally might have one or more of those some day. Maybe I’ll just get three or four? I’ll start a trend!

7. I’ve started getting randomly angry at strangers, especially the really healthy looking ones. They are so carefree, so healthy and unburdened. They take everything for granted! How dare they!

8. This afternoon I entered into protracted negotiations about scheduling my weekly chemotherapy treatments in such a way that I could still go home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I think I might have won, but is getting chemo every really considered winning? (Winning!) Also, one of my nurses told me that one of my chemo drugs is bright red and that patients fondly refer to it as “the red devil.” How charming.

9. This weekend Andrew and I decided on the spur of the moment to buy a car. We bought a used Prius and I am totally and utterly in love. I can get to really far away places in like 5 minutes! It’s like the future!

10. I have a blog with an average of more than 200 views per day and more than 1,500 views in its first week. You guys are really the best!

11. Almost every waking moment of every day has been completely consumed by a diagnosis that I am pretty sure I have yet to totally wrap my head around. When I say the words “I have breast cancer” it sort of still feels like I am pretending, like I am playing make believe, or like I am just having a bad dream that I will wake up from soon. Whenever I wake up in the morning, whether it’s 4 am or 7 am (it’s almost never later these days no matter what my bedtime is) the first thing I think is always: “oh… right… shit,” and there is no more sleeping for me. I am sure that will go away soon, but for now that feeling and all the of the strange and wild adventures that come after it every single day are just really, super weird.

I will be taking a break from the weirdness (mostly) for the next few days as I travel to Maine for my best friend’s wedding. I am seriously looking forward to not talking to doctors, dealing with treatment plans, scheduling tests, and showing up for appointments all day long every day. Also, it’s going to be the best freaking weekend ever so there’s that. I will probably not write again until next week (although I never know when the inspiration will strike these days!) but there will be all kinds of Borg implants and space babies to discuss when I return! Thanks for reading!

All my love,