I was just thinking about where I was at around this time two years ago. I had recently had a double mastectomy, was nearing my 17th or 18th round of chemo and I had completely and utterly lost faith in the universe for the first time in my life. I felt that I had been betrayed by life and the powers that be. My life was not at all what I had expected and someone was obviously to blame.
Then I come back to this moment in my life. Tomorrow I will have a PET scan and I could not be more scared. But I am also ever hopeful and am able to calm myself with the knowledge that whatever the results are I WILL find a way to keep chugging along here on earth at least for a while.
I am also writing a book. It was an idea that came in a flash one morning and somehow in the course of just a few days piece after piece began to fall into place. I told Andrew that sometimes I don’t even feel like I chose to write this book. It almost feels like this book chose me.
And now I am all in. I’m financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically committed to this book, to getting it into the universe and I’ll be honest, it is really hard. It’s hard to write about what I’m writing about. I’ve shared a lot in my blog but the really tough to tell stories are all over this book. Sometimes doubt overwhelms me and I wonder who I am to be writing this, who am I to offer advice to all of the brilliant people on this planet? But then I remember that this book chose me and I put my faith back into the universe that there is no other direction my life could be going in right now.
I spent some time wondering, how on earth it’s possible that I went from having no faith in the universe to having all of it, over the course of the hardest two years of my life. And then I realize the answer is simple: it’s YOU. It’s all of you in my life who have held us up, time and time again. You have not once let me down when we turned to you for help. You have made me feel brave time and time again and given me the courage I need to keep writing, to put myself out there and to not give up.
My life is overflowing with unknowns. I don’t know what this PET scan will say. I don’t know what my treatment will look like in a month. I don’t know if I’ll have to up and move to Germany overnight. I don’t know if I’ll still be alive next year. And yet I feel that I am somehow still standing on solid ground because of the strength and determination of the community I have been honored to have along for this ride.
I’m calling this book, “The Courage Club: A Radical Guide for Audaciously Living Beyond Cancer.” I can’t say for sure that this book will be a success but I know, if nothing else, that it feels really, really right. This book provides a guide, through my experiences with Stage 4 cancer, of how to build a really full and meaningful life, even in the midst of a crap-tastic crisis like cancer. I’m writing it for three people: first, for myself, as a reminder that even though it can feel like cancer has stolen some really important things from me that there is still plenty here to make my life beautiful, second, for my fellow young adult cancer ninjas and anyone going through crisis who sometimes need a reminder about just how courageous they are capable of being, and third, for you, my community, as a thank you for all you’ve done for me.
On that note, if any of you are down I would so love and appreciate your support on this new adventure of mine. In order to get this book made and out into the world I am going to be launching a Kickstarter on May 31st to raise $20,000 to cover all of my expenses and I’m going to need the help of anyone and everyone who wants to give it.
I’m working with the most incredible equi-publishing company (that’s halfway between self- and traditional publishing) and they’re ensuring that this book gets the most professional developmental and line editing, cover, marketing, print, and distribution. But it’s not a free process and there are many other expenses if I want to do the hard work it will take to get this into the hands of the people it could make a difference for.
I know $20,000 is an audacious goal, but if this community has shown me anything, it’s that you are generous beyond measure and supportive beyond belief. (Thank you. Again. Always.)
Would you be interested in helping spread the word about my Kickstarter when the time comes? If so, simply click right here to join my Crush the Kickstarter Crew!
I would be so grateful for your yes, your sharing of this movement for meaning-making amidst chaos, your support for those of us who are fighting to thrive amidst the very hardest circumstances.
If it’s not feeling resonant for any reason, I totally get it and love and appreciate you anyway.
Thanks so much for being with me through it all.
I wouldn’t be here without you.